Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.