Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.