At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
You Might Also Like
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.