*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
December birthdays be like…
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
a lot to unpack here
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King