I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.