“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
This 4th of July, please remember…
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.