A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
can’t catch a break