I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people