“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I want this so bad
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see