I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.