May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.