“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.