My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.