I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now