When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks