[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.