I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time