Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.