My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks