Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
my nickname in college
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water