AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff