Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die