ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.