me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.