Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food