I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
asked my bf how work was today
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
did it work
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.