College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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