Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play