Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”