“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Boating season is upon us.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.