I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?