Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Goat cheese is for herders.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly