my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My purse is deeper than some people.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
January has been Januweary
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.