How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
somebody come look at this
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts