Sunday
You Might Also Like
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
why would tinder want me to say this
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to