“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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I have no passwords left in me
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself