I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
LA today:
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out