My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*offers Batman cough drops*
DOOO EEEET
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS