Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
You Might Also Like
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Breaking news:
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.