If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.