The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.