“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.