Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
This is my favorite one of these!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus