Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES