Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake