At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold