If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”