It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
wtf is an acronym
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Come back with a warrant
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank