“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!