My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky